Dear Tajair,
Imagine how surprised I was when I received a Google Alert for my own name with a news report claiming that you had been charged with a fatal hit-and-run in Pennsylvania!
I have never been to Pennsylvania! Why would I go somewhere that sounds like it’s swarming with hillbilly vampires? Yet because we share 6 letters, Google thought to alert me to the absolute buffoonery that you allegedly have been up to.
My God. Hit-and-run on November 24th, 2023? That’s the day after Thanksgiving! The only thing one should be doing after Thanksgiving is feasting on leftovers, arguing with family, or stealing on Black Friday!
The nerve of you… And what makes matters worse is the crime happened 7 months ago and you are just now turning yourself in. What were you doing for 7 months? Gallivanting around the East Coast like a freshly awakened Cicada???
For months the cops were looking for someone who is 25 with the name Tajair. Imagine if during the winter I craved a Philly Cheesesteak and flew over there?
We are both Black, have hella similar names, are the same age, share similar hair texture and facial hair…I could’ve been arrested instead of you! I don’t want to go to jail! I’d end up more ran-through than Popeyes when they were selling those Spicy Chicken Sandwiches!
And I bet none of our name neighbors want to go to jail either. I have already notified the Tajris, and Tajais of your alleged transgression so that they can take the appropriate steps to safeguard their reputations. Even Taj Air, an exclusive private jet & air charter service has been affected. You must think before you crime!
If convicted you have sullied a rare racially-ambiguous name. Your behavior is that of a Chris not of a Tajair!
Now, of course, I am a firm believer in innocent until proven guilty especially when it comes to Black men. I see that your bail is set at 2 million dollars and unfortunately, my mom is withholding my trust fund until Kamala stops getting silk presses, so I cannot support you financially at the moment, but I can offer you a word of advice: I read in the news report that you had a passenger. Have you considered pinning the crime on them?
You should definitely consider that because if convicted you will have to change your name to something more fitting. Luckily for you, I am kind enough to provide you with a few potential alternatives:
- Bryce Anthony Delbridge
- Michael Anthony Delbridge
- Samson Anthony Delbridge
- Frank Anthony Delbridge
I have kept your God-given middle and last name the same because, with these first names, you would have the accurate initials of BAD, MAD, SAD, or FAD (like Gaga).
Hopefully, you won’t have to change your name though because I know someone who shares 6 letters with me would only commit white-collar crimes.
Respectfully,
Tajairi